The thing I probably suffer the most from is the inner tension that accompanies me most of the time. It is different from stress resulting from stuff you should do and do not get around to, because this kind of stress usually disssolves when you remove its source (by getting things done or postponing them, for instance). The tension I am talking about seems to come from within and magically increases during the day, even if I do not have straining things on my schedule. It is just there, and it is very uncomfortable to bear and leaves me exhausted and depleted after a few hours already. In consequence, I have very little energy, often cannot do the things I want to do, and feel helpless and frustrated a lot. The tension is very intrusive and always manages to capture my attention. I have not yet understood what exactly is behind it, but I consider it likely that emotional issues, negative convictions about myself and my coping capabilities, unrealistic expectations, and unpleasant body feelings are sources of it. The main experience of this tension is a feeling of being exhausted and restless at the same time. The tension serves as a major trigger for dysfunctional thoughts and unhealthy behaviors.
Taken together, it seemed like a good idea to turn towards the tension and look at it instead of avoiding it, which only exhausts me even more and does not work anyway. The husband has suggested that I track my tension levels across the day and note what I have been doing and how I have been feeling along with it, to get an overview of what I am dealing with and probably also to identify some patterns. This is what I have been doing recently.
~ tension chart ~
As you see, you simply draw the tension curve into an axis system, with time of day plotted on the x-axis and tension level on the y-axis (for example). The scaling of the tension goes as follows:
- o: sleep
- 1-30: sleepiness, tiredness, low activation
- 30-50: relaxation, wellbeing (corresponding to light, pleasant activities)
- 50-70: concentration, mental effort (corresponding to more difficult, demanding activities)
- 70-80: exhaustion, depletion of energy ressources, need for rest (critical stage)
- 80-90: complete exhaustion, clouded thinking, need for emergency strategies
- 90-99: inability to think and control one’s own actions, blackouts
- 100: mental breakdown
Asterisks mark negative, dysfunctional thoughts. In my case, these thoughts are mostly related to feeling helpless and incompetent, and to obsessing about food.
Below you can see my tension curves from some February days. The first one was a rather normal day.
This was a terrible day.
These two were again rather normal days, with the tension building up until midday and then staying on a rather high level.
This was another unhappy day.
As you can see from the curves, I am at a critical level or above for most of the time. In such a condition, just being (thus, bearing the unpleasant tension) is so exhausting already that I cannot function normally, and everything coming on top of it easily throws me off my feet. However, since I have been like this for many years, I am somewhat used to it and in part also able to do some things at a rather high level of tension. But still, doing my studies and finishing them successfully was only possible by using all those few little time windows allowing for concentrating on intellectual activities – probably two or three hours a day altogether, on a good day. For the rest of the time, I was more or less out of order and just tried to somehow make it through my day.
Tracking my tension levels gave me a better understanding of when I was able to do certain things, and what I was able to do or not to do. This again allowed for a more realistic planning of my daily activities.
LEISURE ACTIVITIES
Since I am limited in influencinge my inner tension intendedly, it helps me to distract myself so I am not so much aware of it all the time. Leisure activities are a pleasant source of distraction and therefore ease the tension a little or at least keep it from climbing higher, given the tension is not too high already. My favorite leisure activities are playing the piano, walking and listening to music along with it, reading blogs or books I am interested in, watching a movie, and spending time with my husband and my close friends. However, these activities become straining when the tension is above 75 or 80, and I cannot use them as ressources anymore then.
EFFORTFUL ACTIVITIES
These are first of all things related to my work, which by nature affords concentration and is intellectually demanding. Mostly it consists of reaserching and reading articles and writing stuff. However, most social situations are also effortful for me because they call for functioning and being in a good mood. I can do these things up to a tension level of 65 or 70, but not above. Another kind of effortful activities is housework, which I can still do at a slightly higher tension level because I do not have to concentrate much when doing it.
RELAXATION
Pure relaxation is difficult for me, because it usually means doing nothing in particular, so all my attention goes into how tense and unwell I feel. This again stresses me, so that trying to relax usually leads to an increase in tension.
EATING
Meals are tricky for me because they always lead to a rise in tension. So, I should not eat if my tension is higher than 75, otherwise I will easily get to a level at which I cannot regulate myself anymore. What is most stressful about meals is the feeling afterwards, because being full is one of the most aversive feelings for me, and having something in my tummy is uncomfortable already. To keep this unpleasantness as low as possible, I prefer to eat light, rather small meals that have to be nourishing and satisfying nevertheless, and I avoid eating many raw foods.
EMERGENCY STRATEGIES
When I am at a high tension level of 80 or above, pleasant activities do not help me to feel better anymore. Then I need things that allow me to remain passive but are stimulating to attract my attention. This stimulation is preferably tactile; visual or auditory stimulation is less effective or even aversive. When Peter is here, he often gives me a massage on my ever-painful neck and shoulders, which calms me down and makes me feel better, and he has brought Igor the hedgehog ball that leaves a nice prickly feeling in your hands when you knead it. He also gave a me small hedgehog ball which I can take with me in my pocket when I leave the house.
Deep breathing is another thing that I have found to be very helpful, but it is nothing I can use directly after eating because you breathe deeply into your tummy, which increases the unhappy feeling of fullness. Sometimes I imagine the tension was flowing like sparks from my fingers and into the ground. Finally, since warmth and the sound of water always comfort me, I sometimes just curl up in the bathtub and let the hot water run down my back. These things help me to feel a little better, so that I can then continue with something that helps me to regulate myself at a lower level and go on somehow.
So these are the things I have understood and tried so far. The tension still is a problem and I still cannot deal well with it. So probably you have some more ideas? Do you suffer from high inner tension? If yes, what are your experiences with it? Have you ever tracked it? What have you found to be helpful in handling it?
Gosh Kath there is so much in this that is just like me!….I haven’t tracked or charted the tension in my life but that sounds like something I would do. The scientist part of my mind likes to do things like that.
As I was reading your process with tracking tension, I thought that is what a buddhist teacher suggested as a step towards untangling inner chaos and overload…it’s a way to objectify and observe (mindfulness) what you are experiencing. But I think it’s only part of the solution.
I will probably be mulling this post over for a while. In some ways it is similar to your post on self regulation that I read a week or so ago and wanted to write more about. Because I’m going through many of the same things as you wrote about. It does seem natural to have this overwhelm and tension since I’ve stopped doing the bulimia behavior and that was the king of coping methods. Now I’m left with all the stuff I was trying to keep handled without much new healthy way to cope.
Some of the things I am finding helpful:
*Get rid of caffeine (gradually taper off. I am very sensitive to caffeine and while I love the mental clarity it gives me, the intense magnification of tension is a high price to pay).
*Weed in the garden (tactile, very little decision making, absorbing some soil microbes increase your seratonine levels etc).
*Talking to a trusted friend who is listening with love.
*Do things that are physical, walking, tai chi, scything. moderate movement that feels good and gets my breathing going…rhythmic.
Have you considered looking into herbs for the nervous system? Maybe I’ll email you about that.
It seems like all your current strategies are good but maybe they don’t produce lasting results?…..could there be a nutritional deficit?
It does strike me that you have been in a very intense phase of your life…completing a masters, getting married, getting ready to do the PhD program, getting ready to move, just gotten free of the eating disorder worsts….Any one of those would be A LOT for even very resilient people. It might be the overall pace of your life that is the source of tension.
Thanks for sharing your process. Much love to you.
xxooxx
Gel, you are so right that observing and assessing things is only part of the solution, but simply tracking my tension levels already gave me a feeling of being capable of *something*, and that has helped me a lot because otherwise I often feel so helpless in the face of it! And the scientist part of my brain indeed embraces this kind of empirical study.
I experience as well that the tension becomes more apparent when I distance myself from the eating disorder. Thinking about food is a way to avoid confronting other things that actually matter, the eating disorder works as an outlet for sure (in the way of “taking a break”), and the way I eat is closely related to how tense I feel. I’ve already mentioned in the post that I the tension always rises when I eat a meal, but it also rises when I feel hungry again rather shortly after having eaten a meal which I supposed to be sufficiently nourishing to satisfy me for some time (e.g. after consuming a 500 or 600 cal breakfast consisting of roasted chicken and onions with a chopped apple and a heaping tbsp of almond butter plus several mugs of tea with almond milk), or when I haven’t felt overly hungry one day and know I still have to put in some 500 cals but can’t really make up an appetite for another meal, or when I get an appetite for something I know I’m allergic against, etc etc. This shows me that the tension is in part related to what, how much, and how often I eat, which is why I’ve been experimenting a lot again recently. This is time and energy-consuming, occupies a lot of my cognitive capacities, and is quite anxiety-evoking because it naturally comes with the risk of feeling bad afterwards (more tension!
) and having to bear that. I know that working on the eating behavior is just the technical level and doesn’t solve any underlying issues, but the physiological and mental levels are so intertwined with me that I can’t improve overall if I neglect one of them.
Apart from that, I’m working on building up alternative behaviors, and it’s starting to work. I do this together with Peter which helps me a lot, because him doing these things with me is a kind of legitimation they are okay. Lying in the bed and watching half of the first season of “Game of Thrones” in a row, for instance. I’d never do that on my own because when I did, my performance and effectivity obsessions would always undermine it, suggesting that I’m sluggish and ill-disciplined. This is why I could never find any relief in distraction if the distraction I sought wasn’t productive and promising of improvement in some regard (like practicing the piano).
On the other things you mentioned …
* Caffeine: I used to be a complete caffeine junkie until my mid 20s. Then I learned it wasn’t good for me (I had major inflammatory issues by that time, and my naturopath adviced me to desist from it), and I switched coffee for black tea. I still drink black tea (with almond milk
), and by now also some coffee again, but only espresso because I don’t tolerate regular (filtered) coffee anymore – it gives me throat swellings instantly. I feel that it arouses me, but when I don’t overdo it, it actually helps me with the tension because I can attribute (some of) the tension to having had coffee.
* Weeding in the garden: Unfortunately I don’t have a garden (I planted tomato plants in pots though), but I know that gardening is something I’d like. Seeing things grow and having the routine of watering your plants … The good thing is that I have the prospect of gardening as soon as I’ve moved, because a friend of Peter has a bar which again has an unused garden in the backyard. Peter and his friends will declutter the garden next Saturday, and then there are plans to plant things there, and I’ll have a share in taking care of it because I’m going to live next door.
* Talking to a friend: Yes, that truly helps! This friend is mostly Peter, but also my mom and my few close female friends (who will all be rather far away from me soon – two already live on different continents, and the last one will remain in Heidelberg
).
* Movement: Yes! I want to get back into the walking habit, and piano playing also falls into this category – it can be quite the work-out, depending on what you play!
I haven’t looked into herbs systematically yet, I know folk-wisdom-wise that valerian shall help to find calm and that vanilla is soothing, but that’s basically it! So I’d be happy about some suggestions!
Regarding nutritional deficits … I’ve come to realize that I need more carbs. I can actually tolerate carbs quite well (at least I did, before I ate a low-fat-low-protein-high-carb diet for X years, which completely ruined my blood sugar regulation, and although I’ve eaten a low-carb diet for the last three years and it helped me to feel better, it never managed to make me feel well). Adding fat doesn’t do anything for me, I still feel like I lack something and it easily gives me nausea. I’ve recently started to add back in carbs from whole grains (brown rice, quinoa, etc), and that makes a major difference. So the Paleo way of eating doesn’t really work for me, but of course this is just me.
You’re right that I’ve had a lot of stressful life events recently, but the tension has accompanied me for many many years until now – the really stressful life was just the last two years. I think the past time contributes tough.
Thank you for all your suggestions! You’re always a wonderful source of support and inspiration! Have I already told you how happy I am to have you as my dear friend?
Dear friend Kath….I can’t remember if you told me how happy you are that we are friends…but I could feel it so in some way you have. In any case it is so sweet to read it. And I consider you my dear friend and feel super happy over that too! thanks.
And I hope my list of strategies didn’t come across as ‘shoulds’. (as in what I think you should do). I was more just answering your questions as to what helps me.
It does seem like you know so much and you are working on this stuff really well….even so it does take time doesn’t it? I keep coming back to the importance of having regular nourishing routines that I keep doing daily to establish my foundation. And that requires persistence and patience. When I’m struggling on one day there might not be any way to ‘fix’ that on that day, but over time, by doing these grounding nourishing activities the struggles become less. That’s what seems to be happening. The addiction mind is always looking for immediate fixes. When it seems that a lot of health is a very gradual building process.
I really like your tracking process. I can see how helpful it is for you. You are a thinker and a scientist so it seems like a good use of your strengths.
About food choices and paleo…The guy that I’m using as a source of guidance for the paleo approach is not a purist. He thinks most people will need to find some carbs from some kind of grain or starchy root vegetable. It’s a matter of experimenting and seeing which ones and in what proportion fits your body. Have you heard of him? Chris Kresser. You can google him to see his website. He’s friends with Mark of Marks Daily Apple. My husband really likes Chris’ way of thinking. And he’s now using Chris’ protocol based on a combination of GAPS and Paleo to improve his health too. We expect that before long he will be adding potatoes or rice or quinoa etc. I probably will too. I think husband will be able to add some dairy too. So I’ll be learning to make yogurt or kefir for him. Any way it’s one of those things where Paleo is template that you can use and build on, rather than a rigid set of rules.
Oh! this is long again. I’ll end here. Love sharing this process with you.
xxooxxoo
No no no, please don’t worry! I found your list of strategies very inspiring!
I’m coming to realize and working on accepting how much time, patience, and persistence it takes to build up positive alternative thinking patterns and behaviors. They all need to be practiced well to become a basis you can rely on when you’re in a wobbly state … *sigh* And I also understand that it’s important to widen the focus towards a larger span of time instead of thinking in day units. I’m just not very good with patience so the immediate fixes are very seductive for me.
I haven’t heard of Chris Kresser, but I like his flexible approach to Paleo nutrition. Personally, I’ve always struggled with regular consumption of red meat and large amounts of fat. Makes me feel so heavy and sluggish. I’m a fish and chicken eater, and I tend towards light meals. According to body typing, I’m actually a carb eater (I lived on yoghurt and carbs – rice and apples!
– as a child, and I’ve always had a terrible sweet tooth) so I should tolerate them quite well, and I did until I overdid it with my year-long high-carb deprivation diet. 
After almost three years of gluten and dairy-free, carb-reduced eating, I’m finally in a state where I can again tolerate carbs blood-sugar-wise and stomach brown rice, legumes, and the like. I feel much better since I’ve started eating more of those. Before my main carb sources were root vegetables and winter squash, but that wasn’t enough so I never felt really well.
I’m also a fish and chicken eater, but unlike you I love fats. I can’t stand cow meat but I like some pork. I think you are so smart to include the grains that your body is needing!
I know you are probably swimming in a bunch of suggestions and ideas about this topic of tension regulation…..but I will throw one more your way….although it’s about digestion. I’ve heard you say you don’t like a lot of fats and not red meat….fish and chicken might be enough to cover nutritional needs. But what I’m wondering about is digestion of fats. I’ve had a big problem digesting fats (not afraid of eating fats btw), so I’ve been studying natural ways to improve my bodies ability to produce digestive ‘juices’ (enzymes), for fat digestion. BITTERS. The bitter taste signals the rest of the digestive system to start pumping out the needed enzymes to digest fats and proteins. So including some bitters 15 minutes before meals that have larger portions of fats and proteins could help with digestion. Can be bitter greens or an herbal bitter etc. Here’s a link to an article on bitters:
http://www.herbcraft.org/bitters.pdf
If you have low stomach acid that can really slow down the digestive process. I haven’t had to resort to taking HCL (hydrochloric acid), a lot of people do…I’ve been taking applecider vinegar before meal, or adding lemon juice to a meal where it fits with the dish.
(((hugs)))
Thank you Gel, these are some great suggestions I want to try out! I’ve always had a very weak digestive system (as a child already) and wrecked it completely due to bad eating in the past 15 years.
This might help! I’m actually not used to using lemon with my meals, but when I was in Venice, they always served a lemon slice with fish, seafood, or chicken / turkey (which is what I ate there), and I was surprised how much I liked that.
Btw, blogging is also a nice way to distract oneself, isn’t it? And it also fulfills social needs.
Hugs to you!
Dear Kath,
My heart weeps as you have described much of what I’ve been working on from January 2012.I have found some ways to help me with this, and they are HELPING! For myself, I was asked to track my SUDS, this is looks like a traffic light, Subjective Units of Distress Scale, as you move you move up though this the ‘lights’ go though from green[ok], to red [unable to function as to overwhelmed].At a high SUDS, my doctor says breathing is like a break, in a car, when red is like driving full on without a break, scary! I’ve found much distress in ‘triggers’, and I have lots. my work on my core beliefs has been helpful, also working on relaxation, this is really hard as I have trouble thinking about my body.There is a therapy called ACT, it involves,’watching your thoughts’ and NOT getting engaged in them.Although there are ways to monitor this, I’ve found it a HUGE challenge which is getting easier. I have found ‘watching’ my thinking and the response in my body has helped me in , as my ‘self talk gets really neg.’ I become more and more upset my ‘little things’ There is hope, I can feel for you and really identify….sending you compassionate,loving thoughts to ‘little Kath’ inside I do wonder what she needs…try to be gentle with yourself..if you can be realistic with the expectations of your self ..i.e ‘give yourself a break’ you hopefully feel a bit less STRESSED OUT!…gentle hugs..lol p.s sorry if this sounds like a easy thing, it’s taken me 15 months to do much more than understand, I do practice it, it’s not an easy thing to manage at all…lol
Thank you so much, Penny! It seems we’re working on very similar things – triggers, core beliefs, relationship with the body, relaxation … I agree it’s not easy and takes a lot of practice, as I experience myself, and the practicing has to be done in times when I feel rather okay (and usually wouldn’t voluntarily tackle these things but *finally* do something else, *sigh*) because in the state of high tension it’s too late and impossible for me to work towards positive things. Thank you for sharing! Hugs to you!
To be honest, it’s easier said than done. I often find myself holding my breath when I’m tense, so your deep breathing exercise would be very helpful. Human communication is also key for stress release, so I’m glad you’ve your hubby beside you.
Yes, the hubby is wonderful support! And deep breathing helps me a lot as well. I sometimes catch myself even holding my breath, and if I don’t turn my attention towards it, I easily slip into a mode of very flat breathing, as if I was waiting for something bad to happen.
That is quite intense to have to deal with this tension constantly – I have had tension to deal with at times and it is exhausting (though I am not sure it was at levels like yours) – talking to people could help but I actually would just distract myself with reading and writing some times just to get myself a break. I quite liked going for a ride in my bike when I could – that was hard to do but great when I could do it. Peter sounds like he is being great and I hope you are able to go for walks in beautiful surroundings too.
By the way – I have nominated you for the Liebster Award. It comes with a meme that is quite a bit to write that would be great if you wanted to do but sounds like you have a lot on your plate so if you just want to enjoy the award and all good things it says about your blog, that is just finehttp://gggiraffe.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/liebster-award-meme-of-elevenses.html
Thank you for the award nomination, Johanna! As I’ve said already, I’m honored to do it! Just may take a little more time (probably the post after the next one) as moving is about to happen – I’m already packing, and next week I’ll be painting the new apartment together with Peter.
The tension is challenging and uncomfortable, and unfortunately I’m not good with distraction when the distracting activities aren’t productive in some way (thus straining after a while), because I always think I need to use my time reasonably. This is something I’m currently working on, that it’s okay to spend time just doing things that are pleasing and don’t take much energy away from me, just as lying in bed and watching a movie. I never allowed myself that before, or only with a bad conscience. Crazy crazy.
Yoga Nidra, or psychic sleep.
This is meditation done to remove one’s self from one’s thoughts and body, and is deeply relaxing. Also effortless. You can find a CD maybe? I have done this for over 30 years. You relax each part of your body in turn, then let go of all stress therein. It is also deeply healing on a cellular level. Nothing can be simpler or more rewarding.
Thank you, Sue, this sounds really interesting! I haven’t heard of this kind of yoga before, but I’ll try to find more information about it on the internet!
Thank you for being so open and honest!
I wish I could offer some great advice but unfortunately I can’t.
Inner tension or chaos if you will is a struggle for me and I haven’t quite figured out how to make it leave…
Just knowing that you take an interest and are compassionate are already helping a lot, Katie! Thank you for that! I hope you’ll find some relief for your own tension and chaos, probably some of the things written by the commenters or me in this post may help you a little as well.
Happy weekend to you! 
Ugh! Thank you for sharing this! I know many can relate to similar things. Me included!! Gosh, your life has turned upside down the last/this year!! I can’t even imagine how I could would react to ALL OF IT – but it would be tense, I promise.
However you are trying to deal with your issues, which I admire the most, while me – running away…
Greta, I don’t think you’re running away – to the contrary! I mean, you’ve been free of the ED behavior for quite a lot of time now, and deal so bravely with everything coming up around that! It’s okay not to work on things all the time but to search comfort in distraction regularly, because we’d all go crazy trying to tackle things constantly! But the things you write on your blog show that you also do a lot of working on the stuff. Hugs hugs hugs! <3
Hmmm, very interesting. I mean, when I get really anxious about what, when and how much to eat next, I just cannot function at all. It’s really scary, because if I am actually physically hungry at that time, the sensible thing to do should be to feed myself in order to prevent a binge before I get completely famished, but the chances of me bingeing is so much greater when I am stressed out…sigh. It really is scary, isn’t it.
Asuma, this is what I meant when I said it’s not a good idea for me to eat when I feel too tense, even if I’m physically hungry. I better try to do something against the tension first and eat then, but I’m not always successful with that, and then everything ends up in chaos.
It helps me to decide what I eat for the next meal *before* I get so hungry and upset that I can’t think clearly anymore. Then I already know what to have and that makes it easier to just do it. I also eat pretty much the same every day, but I don’t mind as long as I eat, and the things I eat are various enough to provide the necessary nutrients, so that’s perfectly fine. Food experiments (trying out new foods etc) are for those days when I feel more stable.
I do think Sue’s suggestion of meditation would be worthwhile for you. Start with a short seminar and see if you find one that works for you.
I’ve had the habit to meditate regularly until a year or so ago, I really want to pick it up again because it was so good for me then!
Thank you for sharing. Like other commenters, I relate so much. In fact as I’m typing this my tension levels are sky-high.
The tension charts seem like a good idea to become more aware of causalities, but try not to become too obsessive about self-monitoring (been there).
If you don’t mind me asking, do you have experienced skin-picking or hair-pulling? Or are there other unconscious ways in which you regulate?
If relaxation/breathing techniques are hard for you, I’d recommend looking for a meditation center near you and maybe get some inspiration, advice and encouragement. Daily meditation has helped me a big deal.
I wish you all the best! Hope you find some answers and release.
Hi U! Thank you for visiting and commenting! I’m very sorry to hear that you also suffer from high tension! It’s such a torture!
I’m very sensitive towards body feelings, and a lot of discomfort is coming from how my clothes feel on my skin or the prickling when I haven’t washed my hair. This is because I’m very sensitive to all kinds of stimulation and often have sensory overload. It’s something I have to learn to live with. And you’re right, there’s a thin line between being attentive and obsessing, and I have to be careful with that.
I don’t do skin-picking or hair-pulling. My main outlet for the tension is engaging in disordered eating thoughts and behaviors, but I also have some obsessive tendencies, such as counting and arranging things and washing. I don’t have washing rituals in form of scrubbing my hands in a certain way but I wash my hands very often, so especially in winter they are often raw and bleed.
Mindfulness meditation is something I’ve found to be very helpful, and I want to establish a habit of regular mindfulness practice again. I also find relief in structuring my day, assessing which amount of activities I can *realistically* do in a day and then doing just that (still learning to feel okay with that), and repetitive movement activities like walking and piano playing.
All the best to you!
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Kath, a gentle suggestion from me might be to turn this tracking upside down and instead focus on a different rating system…one that tracks the positive, great feelings and times of relaxation when they occur. Kind of like keeping a gratitude tracker…what you focus on expands…xo
That’s a lovely idea, Rufina – changing the focus! I’m actually working on turning more attention to feeling fine, I never really did. Thank you!
hello kath
been a reader of your blog for a while now. I too thought when I had similar symptoms to yourself that it was my mind creating some of the symptoms. however I was diagnosed with a little known condtion called P.o.T.S. postural othorstatic tachycardia syndrome. after eating your blood pools in your stomach which makes symptoms worse, and also the feeling of wanting to keep on the move all the time, i.e. walking, because when you stop the blood pools in lower limbs making you feel worse. take a look on line. take care emma .
Hi Emma! Thank you for your comment! I’m very sad to hear about your health struggles! Never heard about that medical condition before, but I’m going to look it up. Take care as well!