When you stand in front of a huge mountain to overcome, it is a good idea to get an overview of what awaits you before you start climbing. This overview will necessarily be incomplete because you will face new, unexpected situations as you start and move on, but it is a good thing to have at least a slight clue of what to gear up for. In a case like mine, with the mountain consisting of a bunch of undefined, entangled issues related to the own self and biography, this means to identify some of the things you will have to turn to.
~ huhu, I see you 
~
It is not important to name all of them already, because they are usually piled up in layers so that the deeper issues are not immediately assessable. You just need a place to start with, and since self-related issues are by nature also related with one another, the deeper issues will surface anyway along the way. This may lead to the feeling of being overwhelmed – once you open the box, things continue flowing from it. You may feel like a mess because you realize in how many regards you are in a miserable state. However, the positive side of it is that when you start working on one thing, other things will improve as well, due to their interrelatedness.
I believe in self-reflection as a good means to start with for an overview. With this I mean looking at yourself and assessing what you see. This sounds easy but can be very painful, because you will probably not be happy about what you see. In the grip of negative thoughts and poor beliefs of your own worth and capability, you are often blind for the things that are okay or even fine about yourself, which you would be able to acknowledge if you were in a better place. Then, everything you see just makes you angry or sad or want to run away as quickly as possible.
So, it is important to remember that reflections are always bound by subjectivity. Just as your image appears differently in a window, a puddle, or a bathroom mirror, due to different qualities of the mirroring faculty, your view of yourself is contingent not only on your values and beliefs, but also on your current life situation, which again is influenced by the thoughts, feelings, moods, and topics actualized. It is not an objective image of youself that you see, but one that is perceived through the glasses of depression, harshness, disgust, and the like.
I have often experienced that when I am just by myself, it easily happens that I am captured by a downward spiral of negative thoughts, ending up frustrated and desparate. For this reason, I have come to consider it crucial to seek out for the support of others who are trustworthy, reliable, and kind. People like a good friend or a therapist can be mirrors as well, although by nature subjective, but they will contribute their own, peculiar perspective and can help you to remember what you forgot when caught up in negative thoughts, to look at yourself from a different angle, to put things apart that should be separated, and to tie other things together that belong to each other.
~ train window snapshot ~
Besides getting supportive input from others, it is helpful by itself already to just express your thoughts. It often happened that I felt stuck pondering on my own because everything seemed to messed up inside my mind, but when I started speaking about things, I suddenly got a greater clarity about them. This is because verbalizing forces you to put the whirl of thoughts into a coherent, comprehensible structure, arranging and sorting them. Writing does the same. And there is more about it: Once you give your thoughts a material body and put them out there, they become real. They are no longer locked up in your head but part of a reality that can be perceived by others as well. This is the power of words, and it is stronger when you share them with others. It is magic.
So, I have decided to write on here, about all the things that seem to matter in my unwell-being. What encouraged me to do that were you wonderful and kind reactions to my breakdown post. Thank you so much for that! I cannot express how much that means to me.
I will not write this just for myself, but also for my friends out there – you know who you are! – and for everybody who happens to stumble across here and has an interest to read. You will probably be able to relate to some things I write, and to others you will not, but that does not matter. Getting an understanding of yourself works by a dialectic process of identifying yourself with certain things and setting yourself apart from other things. So I have the hope that you will find some of the things I will write here helpful for yourself, in whatever regard, or probably you will find them just entertaining. Whatever it will be, it will be fine.
~ the surface ~
Speaking with my husband Peter, I have identified a number of things I want to look at and and write about. These things include tension and exhaustion, emotions and emotion regulation, depression, eating (still and again, yay 
), performance, obsessive tendencies and perfectionism, control, high intellectual ability and high sensitivity, ADHD, fundamental self-beliefs, connectedness, family relations, my relationship with my body, meaning in life, and faith. I would not be surprised if there were more …
These topics deserve several separate posts but of course they all belong together. It will take some time and space to write them, but now I am at a point where I can finally face up to them, and they are too important to let this opportunity pass. I cannot go back anyway, so going forward is a much better idea. And I am very happy that I do not have to go alone.
OK Bring it on lady!!!
I especially applaud and relate to these thoughts:
“I have come to consider it crucial to seek out for the support of others who are trustworthy, reliable, and kind.”
Yes….crucial.
And this:
“It often happened that I felt stuck pondering on my own because everything seemed to messed up inside my mind, but when I started speaking about things, I suddenly got a greater clarity about them.”
Same for me…and even tho part of the time just writing privately is helpful….it’s usually more helpful to speak this stuff out loud to a caring trusted other person. Excellent plan!
Thanks for the update. That is a massive list…..(I have one too. Ha Ha!)
I try to glance at the ‘mountain’ only occasionally, but to put most of my attention on the next step in front of me because I get overwhelmed and depressed by the magnitude of the mountain. It’s in my nature tho to always be drawn to the mountain views.
Ohhh thank you for looking forward! I have already prepared a couple of drafts which I want to finish gradually. It depends on the energy and writing mood, but I already know what to start with.
Thank you again so much for your lovely gift that arrived with the mail today!
we will be here, to listen, to encourage, to relate, to support. always!
Thank you so much, Lindsay!
I’m always here. Always. And I care more then I tell. And I pray
Thank you, Greta! You are a true friend to me!
Thank you for sharing, I’m honored to support you, many on this list I have myself, it’s amazes me sometimes to hear how many people, self included,have such talk “negative self talk, and beliefs”. I think it’s difficult to see objectively from inside myself, as I’m in the middle, it’s almost,’normal’ to be subjective of myself as a person, and for me of course my physical body. My therapist advises me that it’s ok to ‘look’ at the bigger picture, however, my ‘stuff’ is like a ‘fur ball’ all tangled up, so he suggests to get though all this, is to take and work at ONE STRAND at a time, so I don’t get so over loaded. I think sometimes , thanks for reminding me, I forget about anything positive. I hope you can think of one positive quality you have and write it down! I think getting things in my head out, for me ,this is often though an art medium, I’m no ‘artist’, I’ve just after some time in art therapy found a color, symbol system to express strong emotions, it’s lovely to share, wishing you compassionate thoughts to ‘little Kath’ who may need to hear…lol
Thank you, Ziggy! I find it very helpful to see that I am not alone with all of this. It makes me happy that we have “met” now and can accompany each other’s journeys.
Lovely to have ‘met’, you. From reading some of your journey, be sure you are not alone, hope we can join forces AGAINST all this judgement and expectations ‘having a lovely party, RENT FREE in our own heads!’ Look to the qualities inside,[I know really hard], I’m sure we all have them…lol
- ‘having a lovely party, RENT FREE in our own heads!’ –
*Exactly* this! Thank you for making me smile today, Ziggy!
You are so interesting. It is nice to be able to have time and inclination to indulge in reflections of one’s self, always such an interesting topic.
(I’m sorry, I cannot accept emails even though I have an address).
Thank you for visiting and commenting, Sue! I like self-reflections and think they are helpful to understand things better and develop!
Always here…
I love your honesty and bravery…you are awesome Kath!
Thank you, Katie!
Here we are…listening with our eyes and hearts. Do you like things like this? live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance xxoo
Thank you for being there! And that page looks very intriguing and cool!
I love that you always find a positive way to reflect upon yourself. The world lacks the genuine quality that you exude.
Thank you so much, Kim! *blush*
Pingback: Tension and Tension Regulation | My Funny Little Life
I am really really looking forward to these future posts!
Happy to hear that!
You have so many supporters and friends, Kath! See how fortunate you are?
Yes I’m blessed by having those wonderful people in my life. I couldn’t make it without them!
I love the honesty at which you attempt to gaze at yourself, and see both strength and fraility and hope and also a sense of futility….have you read Anne Dillard?
I have been reading about weasels because I saw one last week. I startled a weasel who startled me, and we exchanged a long glance……
….
The weasel was stunned into stillness as he was emerging from beneath an enormous shaggy wild rose bush four feet away. I was stunned into stillness twisted backward on the tree trunk. Our eyes locked, and someone threw away the key.
Our look was as if two lovers, or deadly enemies, met unexpectedly on an overgrown path when each had been thinking of something else: a clearing blow to the gut. It was also a bright blow to the brain, or a sudden beating of brains, with all the charge and intimate grate of rubbed balloons. It emptied our lungs. It felled the forest, moved the fields, and drained the pond; the world dismantled and tumbled into that black hole of eyes. If you and I looked at each other that way, our skulls would split and drop to our shoulders. But we don’t. We keep our skulls. So.
I haven’t read Anne Dillard yet …
Is the weasel story by her? It’s amazing and speaks of great clarity and receptivity of the mind. Most people wouldn’t even have noticed, and even less would have drawn such implications from it, I guess. Thank you for sharing!